HOW TO FIGHT ABOUT MONEY
Fighting is a perfectly normal part of any relationship, but most of us don’t do it well. A great example is a fight my husband and I had as newlyweds about green beans. Yes, green beans. I’d planned out the week’s dinners when I was delivered a mess of green beans from my in-laws. They sat in a Kroger bag for 3 days or so before my husband blew his top, seemingly out of nowhere.
You see, the in-laws are farmers of a sort, and they are very proud of their crops, especially the green beans. I didn’t understand the magnitude of the gesture and so delayed making them. In my mind, they simply didn’t pair well with what I had planned to make. My husband thought I insulted him and his heritage. I just didn’t want to eat green beans with lasagna.
Now that I know him better, I know why he was hurt. It was still an overreaction, but I get it. The Great Green Bean Fight of 2008 taught me that fighting is a skill, one I certainly hadn’t mastered at that point, and that it can be fruitful if it’s done right and for the right reasons.
Money fights are different. We recommend planning these fights and fighting in two sessions. Here are the steps:
Session One
Schedule the first session with your spouse at least a week in advance. If you need childcare, arrange it. If you wake up sick that day, reschedule. Being physically well is an important prerequisite for serious conversations.
Do your homework for Session 1. Each of you should complete a vision statement for your future. Our Vision Primer is a great tool for this step.
Lay out the ground rules. This should be a low conflict session but agree to make your words kind and compassionate anyway. Show each other affection and affirm each other’s ideas. Listen, take notes, and don’t interrupt.
Write your vision, together. Make your own or use our Vision Primer to assist.
The result of session one should be a vision both of you love. If it doesn’t motivate you, it’s not the right vision. Keep that in mind as you move to session two.
Session Two
Schedule your second session with the same parameters and ground rules as the first.
Re-read and recommit to your vision. It will help guide the decisions you’re about to make.
Make or update your household budget based on real spending numbers, not projections or wishful thinking. One of you should run a complete, updated budget report trailing 12 months. If you’ve never done one before, allow for extra time when scheduling your sessions. Mint is a good tool for this. If you’re a client, you get to use Blueprint. Even better.
Analyze your spending motives. Does our spending reflect our values? Or support our vision? If not, determine why and address the underlying reason.
Make choices about your money.
Determine your margins and buffers.
How much do you need to save to create 6-12 months emergency savings?
How much buffer do you need in your operating account?
At what rate can you save after that?
Triage your spending.
What expenses are immovable?
What expenses are completely discretionary?
What things are somewhere in between and why?
Cull Excess Expenses. Based on your answer to 5b, start canceling things you don’t need for the sake of your vision.
Set Accountability measures like using your bank’s spending alerts. Hold progress meetings and celebrate achievements together.
Last, you should expect to repeat this process. We need to be reminded of what matters from time to time. Try setting up a refresher meeting in 6-12 months. Hopefully, you’ll be celebrating your commitment to your vision.
If you enjoy the feeling of purpose and control this exercise provides, consider working with us to create a holistic financial plan that incorporates what you’ve decided here and aligns all the aspects of your financial life to support it.